Too many brains spoiling the broth

University application fear-mongering has predicatably spiraled into a frenzied maelstrom of dread, the impression i've harvested from the media coverage in the last week being that every decent university is founded on elitism, nepotism and an undue slavering reverence for the * .Meaning, of course, that in spite of record high-achievements vast swathes of intelligent state-school ‘yoof’ will be left coughing the dust from Angelica’s SUV trail into Oxbridge, as public school applicants dominate proceedings..

Instead of the donkey-jacketed nomenklatura (who now cite the fact that they had to read Beowulf as part of their English literature syllabus, given the benefit of hindsight, as being indicative of the intellectually stimulating and enriching education they were granted) having to concede that the ‘most examined generation ever’ are actually more adept at passing exams than them (n.b. not smarter than) They have instead resolved to degrade the qualifications now yielded by 98% of Britain [statistics vary according to the level of make-believe] as dramatically ‘dumbed down’ whilst at the same time surreptitiously accompanying each of these somber articles with a photo of 4 beaming, incidentally sexy, 18 year old girls thrusting their results sheets towards the camera.

So the introduction of the asterisk to the grade sheet at A level has further delineated the gulf between the have’s and the have’s lots. What struck me, was the way this was reported as though it was a major expose that Ox,Durham, Cambridge, St Andrews, Warwrick et al overwhelmingly have a social makeup similar to Notting Hill Waitrose or the Yachting club. Of course, given that I’m about to embark on a university application myself this morbid fascination of the papers has had what was presumably its desired effect, and I’m utterly terrified I’ll become like the poor chap used as the human interest column in the Daily Mail the other day ( “John Smith, recipient of 3A*’s, 4A’s and blessed with what his economics lecturer calls ‘economics virtuosity’, unable to achieve a place at university!” Shock! Abhorrence! Turn the page with trembling hands…) It’s undoubtedly a frightening time to be targeting the upper echelons of a system still disappointingly embroiled in class politics, but I will exile any such thoughts from my mind during my application and instead prepare with the diligence and perpetual fear of sodomy which seems to elicit such wonders from Rupert, Harry and co.